When understanding is difficult...

Tuesday morning we learned that my husband's cousin, who he was very close to, died of unexplained causes on Monday night. He would have been 34 on Tuesday. It's been a rough few days for my husband and for me by proxy. This sounds selfish, I know, as it's not about me and I wasn't the one who lost a loved one. A little background to explain what I'm going to talk about here; my husband is an emotional introvert, I am not, normally when faced with an emotional overload my husband tends to retreat psychically and emotionally. In the past this included disappearing into a bottle of Jack Daniel's Whiskey. A habit he has thankfully kicked for over five months.

It's been a rough few days for me, obviously part of it's because he hurts and therefore I hurt for him as well. Mainly I've been off because of how I would react in a situation like this. As on a basic level I'm more of an emotional extrovert, his introverted tendencies put me on edge. I worry about what's boiling under the surface, what he's not talking about and then selfishly if he's not talking because he doesn't feel like he can open up to me. I try my best banish the last thought from my mind, as again I didn't do anything wrong, and the more I let it bug me the more I'm likely to do something wrong.

My first reaction upon hearing the news was to think of my husband, and how he was feeling. After dealing with him and then getting a reaction I start to think of myself, how I would feel, how does this affect me, how would I react? etc... I don't feel too bad for thinking this way. Simply because in my opinion you can't control how you feel but only how you react. Also in my opinion how I feel is part of a cultural application of the "golden rule" that I grew up with. The "Golden Rule" summed up is: treat others how you wish to be treated. Through watching other relationships, individuals, and myself (note: I am not a psychologist and I have not performed any controlled tests to confirm/deny my hypothesis) I've come to believe that this "golden rule" is applied in a more self-interested role than it was originally intended.

Example #1: I feel that my husband is hiding things and not opening up, which I can find hurtful. Why? Personally I would be explaining how I feel in the reversed position and expect him to treat me the same way.

Example # 2: Friend A wants to throw a surprise birthday party for her husband, who is very anti-social (not in a Serial-killer way) and would hate a party. Why? Friend A really wants her husband to throw her a surprise party, and hopes that by throwing him one he'll return the favor.

Example #3: Person D purchases their sister a book that they've been eyeing for months. Why? Person D wants to read the book and can justify purchasing it only if it's meant for a gift.

What I'm getting at is this: We see things through our own eyes, experience only our own experiences, and sometimes it can be hard to relate to someone who reacts; sees and experiences different than we do. There's nothing wrong with how you initially feel, it's all in how you react. ..... that would be a D- essay right there probably.

Anyway: Go call your loved ones up, tell them you love them, apologise for something insignificant if you need to, take the blame if it'll get the lines of communication open if they're closed, don't take them for granted, and just drop a line to say "hello, thinking about you". At the least, it'll make someones day and sometimes that's all you can do.